


Why can't I stop feeling?

by Marinex



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Anxiety, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Emotional Roller Coaster, Euphoria, F/F, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-08 06:50:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19865305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marinex/pseuds/Marinex
Summary: Rue is struggling with her addiction to drugs and to Jules. She used to dull her felling with opioids and now she doesn't know how handle them without spiraling out of control.Based on the trailer for episode 6 from season 1 of Euphoria.





	Why can't I stop feeling?

It has been 15 days since Rue had last used opioids. And with that time passed she was starting to feel again, with great intensity. Opioids give so much dopamine highs that you don’t seek others kind of pleasure. But now… her libido was back, like she had never felt before. She was a teenager after all, so you can add those hormones to that lust. She tried to think of other things, well, she did not try that hard. But the truth is, all she could think about was Jules. And how sex with Jules would feel. It was something new to her. She was never that interested in sex, specially sex with boys. All her past sexual encounters were quite underwhelming. Now, sex with Jules, she imagined, would be something close to an outer body experience.  
That is why that day, when she woke up next to Jules, after the roller skate ring date, she could not control herself. Even so, she knew she needed to be respectful of Jules. Jules was kind of a mystery to Rue, she would give her these signs that she liked her, but at the same time, keep her at a certain distance. Rue did not want to push her, but at the same time, truth be told, she was horny as hell. So, Rue risked a bit and decided to give Jules a morning kiss when she saw her open her eyes. Just a peck at first, but it grew more intense. It took all of Rue will power not to stat removing items of clothing then and there. She decided to go slow and risk some frisky hand movement on Jules lower back, under her shirt, that started moving up her back… but before Rue could reach her breasts, Jules stopped her and looked her kindly in the eyes. Jules could see the lust in Rues eyes, but she was still too overwhelmed from the responsibility she felt for Rues sobriety. Jules did not want to do something that could risk all that. Sex changes things in a relationship and Jules knew that all too well.  
Jules loved to feel loved. She had never before felt nor received such devotion from someone. No one had ever felt the need to tell their parents about her, parade her to their friends, touch her in public. She felt great, she felt seen by Rue. But, at the same time, Rue was really not stable and if she spiraled out of control she could relapse, OD, die… or even, start to hate her and tell people about her and Nates dad. That simple thought field Jules with such dread that she almost felt like throwing up, so she got up from bed and ran to the bathroom.  
Rue was left confused in bed, thinking that she had done something wrong. She knocked softly on the bathroom door:  
\- Jules, are you ok? I’m sorry if I did something wrong!  
\- No Rue, you did nothing wrong, I just think I ate something bad yesterday.  
\- Ok… do you want to eat breakfast with me or….?  
\- You know what, I am kind of not feeling so hot right now, can we take a rain check? I text you later, ok?  
\- Yeah, sure!  
Rue looked around for a couple of minutes, not really sure what to do. She started to walk towards the kitchen, trying hard not to feel rejected or like she screwed up, thinking about the meds that Jules dad had in there, Vicodin, some good shit. What a fuckup she was…No! She should not do that. But, what else could she do? She was always screwing things up. It was expected of her to screw up and she was craving… something. There was too much feeling, too much noise in her head; she had to calm all of that down!  
She was mindlessly walking towards the counter where she found the meds the other time. Maybe they could help dull up her feelings, she knew they would. She saw them and was almost reaching out for them, when a voice came from behind her:  
\- Hey Rue, good morning! Did you sleep well? Do you wanna have breakfast? I am making pancakes.  
Rue almost screamed. She was so caught up in her own thoughts that she did not see Jules dad in the kitchen.  
\- Good morning Mister Vaughn – Rue said kind of out of breath.  
Suddenly she felt a deep kind of shame, while looking into that kind man.  
\- Thank you, but I have to get home, my mom is expecting me. Have a nice day. – She blurted out.  
Jules dad just observed while Rue left. He found her behavior a bit odd, but she had always been a bit of an odd girl, so never mind.  
\- Jules, honey, pancakes are ready! Come eat! - Rue hear him scream as she left the drive way and got on her bike. She drew a deep breath and decided to go home. Maybe take a shower, try to calm down, perhaps call Alli and ask for help.

That night, Rue was in her room, trying to turn her thoughts in something productive, doing some abstract painting for her art homework, when she got a text from Jules.  
\- Hey bitch! Wanna have fun tomorrow night? There is going to be an awesome Halloween party at some guy’s house.  
\- Hey Jules! Yeah I love Halloween parties. Count me in. So, are you feeling better?  
\- Yeah, I am, I think I got a stomach flue or something, but I am all good now.  
\- Ok, I just… you know, had a feeling I crossed some kind of line and freaked you out…  
\- No, no. You didn’t! I gotta go, my dad is on a “no phones at the table during dinner” mode.  
\- Ok, Love you. See you tomorrow.  
\- See you tomorrow!  
Rue kept looking at that text interaction. She was happy that Jules was ok and she was inviting her to a party. But, at the same time, she could not shake the feeling that she was distant and something was awkward between them. She had to be more careful next time. Talk it out, even though it was hard for her to talk sometimes.  
Nevertheless, Rue was proud of herself. She had a hard craving today and she was able to overcome it. Maybe she was gonna make it after all. She smiled at herself and kept drawing a portrait of Jules.

On the next day, Jules ringed on Rue’s door. She opened it with a big smile, thinking of the conversation they would have to clear the air, just to see Kat by her side. Rue Frowned a little bit, having a feeling that Jules had brought her as a buffer… she was hopping for some alone time with Jules. But, that was ok, she would manage it. They went to pick up Lexi and go to said party.  
\- So, whose party is it anyway?  
\- Oh, it is from a friend of mine, Luke Kasten. I met him at the carnival; he used to attend our school.  
\- Oh, so you guys are dating?  
\- Nooooo, just, hanging.  
The girls looked at Kat, giggled, and kept on talking about frivolous things until they arrived at Luke’s hose. The party had already started, but it was not so full yet. They saw some people from school, but most of the guests were strangers to them. The music was good, the vibe was good, Jules seemed to be having fun, dancing with Lexi and Kat, while Rue was off to the side taking a break. She was not much of a dancer. She liked to observe people in parties, imagine their lives and thoughts. So, while she was immersed in these thought, she did not see someone approach her from the side:  
\- Hello little sis. Enjoying the party?  
\- Oh, hi Mouse. – was all that Rue was able to say. Her heart started to beat fast, her mouth dried up. What the hell was that guy doing in that house party?  
\- So, did you finish up all Fentanyl patches your big brother bought you?  
At first Rue was a bit confused, that night was a blur and she did not recall any patches. Seeing the confusion in her eyes, mouse said:  
\- Ah, big brother took them from you…I see. He doesn’t want you to have any fun, does he? Such a bore that guy!  
Rue laughter, more from desperation than from joy.  
\- Wasn’t it fun? – Mouse Whispering in her years – Didn’t you feel like you Cumming after being fucked by angels?  
\- Yeahh – Rue answered kind of dazed by the memory of the feeling and kind of afraid by the presence of that guy.  
\- You know what, I feel like your big brother is just screwing you over and not letting you have any fun. If you feel like you wanna ditch his ass for some real adult shit, come find me.  
\- Ok – Rue answered feeling all kinds of temptation take over her. She wanted that Fentanyl. She wanted to take Fentanyl and fuck Jules, all at the same time and that would be the epitome of her life. She could die happy for all she cared.

Mouse left and right after that, Jules came over to her.  
\- Who was that?  
\- Ah, just some weird guy, you know, parties. – Rue didn’t like to lie to Jules, but she knew that she would not approve of her talking to Mouse about the awesomeness of Fentanyl. – Do you wanna dance with me? – Rue said as a way of escaping that conversation.  
\- Yeah – Jules said with a smile.  
They started dancing by the pool, quite near the board. While they were dancing, Rue could see Jules eyes would roam the room from time to time. Jules was not so focused on her. Maybe she was looking for a boy to hook up, maybe she lost interest in her. An ugly jealousy feeling started to creep up on her, so she decided to do something spontaneous.  
\- Lets jump in the pool!  
\- What? – Jules said kind of distracted  
Suddenly, they were both deep in the pool. Rue went for a kiss; Jules kissed her back, It was all so magical, in Rues head… but it did not last. Jules immediately lashed out.  
\- Are you crazy? You ruined my costume!  
\- I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it like that!  
\- What did you mean it like, than, Rue? Sometimes I feel like you act without thinking!  
Immediately after saying that, Jules regretted lashing out.  
\- I’m sorry, Rue. It is just… you should ask before doing things like that.  
Jules got out of the pool and helped Rue out. Gave her a hug and went inside the house to find tem a towel. Rue stayed by the pool for second, hating herself for being so stupid. She started to feel the tears coming over her eyes. Fuck, she hated this role costed of feelings, all the time, so much feeling, she wanted to go back in the pool and drown. With a huff, she started to walk aimless through the party while she felt like everybody was looking at her and judging her. She decided to leave; and on her way out, she saw Mouse, smoking a cigarette and she thought that maybe she could do just one more hit. To calm her down a little bit.

**Author's Note:**

> I am so stoked for the next episode, I had to write this!  
> English is not my fist language, so I welcome any corrections or critics!  
> Did you guys liked it? Should I continue the fic?


End file.
